I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
