I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
