Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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