dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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