her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My dick has a subreddit
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
