I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
