You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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