apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
