So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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