i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
