And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Dignity is for republicans.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
