So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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