Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
