Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
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