Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
