Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
