He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
