last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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