Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
