Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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