Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
