Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize