Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize