I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
