end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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