I hope mine doesn't look like that
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
