I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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