Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
