I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
