I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the night ended with taco bell and tears
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
