I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
two words: eviction party
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
