I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
