masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
