Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
