happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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