i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
