Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
