I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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