I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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