Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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