so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
the raccoons are back...
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