i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
