We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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