I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
