im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
