Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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