I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
