my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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