I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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