how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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