so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
