Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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