Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
