Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
